Relationship Alchemy -

The fact that people still speak of divorce and matter-of-factly drop the factoids about who and why various relationships fail, or are destined to fail.  Yes, there may be some inevitable things like the old colloquial 'death and taxes' but I would like not to think that way.  It is like the time I had to take the time to train myself (this is as a sophomore in college) to say "woman" in everyday conversation instead of "girl" or just skirting around using the word at all.  It was after the exercises that I put myself though, that I realized that there are so many 'hang-ups' or self imposed restrictions we put on our own communication.  That is not to say that I do not still struggle and speak completely freely on any subject.  I cannot make that claim. 

So what?

Perhaps it is this sensor or filter that we learn through our lives; What damage could it do later in life?  The inability to clearly communicate or even knowing that we need to, as children, we yell and scream, have tantrums, whine, hit, bite and demonstrate other failed attempts to communicate with others.  We just cannot find the words yet.  As we grow older, socialize and learn to communicate, become functional as an 'adult' in our world, society, culture, I wonder what mistakes are still made?  The idea that self esteem, pride, or just that one's learned passive aggressive tendencies, as we enter relationships, affects how we end up treating others, the people we determine we love.   

When communication goes wrong, or is just missing (in some aspect, to be broad) in my experience people fall back on "what works" or more literally, what method used before, gets their point across or produces the desired result or outcome.   [and Something has reinforced the behavior.]

Why do I say this... Well...

I have seen this, both in others and in some of my own relationships.  I have even resolved to admit that I was unknowingly manipulative, and was called on it.  I was floored, to be honest, and upset, mainly at myself, for not noticing.  I thought that I was more mature as a twenty-something, and I was shown that I really wasn't.   I had to make yet another major change to the way I dealt with the world.  {It was not entirely unlike the Grinch at the end of 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' when his heart grew and grew...}

I have the desire to understand these sorts of changes and possible transformations, revelations.  What gives us these flaws? Where do they come from? One could try attributing it to one factor, "nurture" (parents and upbringing) but there is so much more to what makes a person behave 'badly' toward another.

I too have been subject to something similar, what some might call manipulation or abuse.  [Maybe that's what it is.]

The alchemist in me sees psychological, verbal or physical abuse (or manipulation) that comes from a loved one, as something akin to a familiar chemical reaction that acts 'out of character', different from what we expected.  Perhaps it is where the light and heat of the reaction happens only when the interaction has been within a finite set of conditions. 

Temperature, pressure, amount of each reagent, and perhaps a catalyst, may produce a beautiful new combination that works perfectly together. That same combination with small imperceptible change(s) in something as simple as an 'impurity' in one or both of the elements can result in a different, "bad", or unexpected reaction or interaction.  What do we blame?  How do we find out what's different from previous? How can we find what has changed from before?  Run the process again? And again?

..."It worked before..." 

We may never be able to know what changed, or it will be as obvious as a second look.

..."The directions said to heat the components slowly over an open flame, and you used what?" ... "The microwave?" ... "No wonder it blew-up."

Perhaps (in my dream world) we can find a way to set ground rules early, no matter how perfect we think a relationship is.  There is a need to be able to communicate our needs and feelings (Yeah, guys may have a problem with this, so let's call it "expectations"), openly and honestly. 

Yes, this is probably asking to much, and in hindsight seen as a hopeful expectation.

Perhaps I will make an experiment of myself; It might be what I need.  I have made changes before and hope that it is not to late to try to make a change.  The hard part is that the change involves someone other than myself.

[Thank you to a friend, you know who you are, for making me think out loud about this, it has given me hope or heart to at least try.]