Burning the Candle...

The colloquial saying, "...Burning the Candle at both ends" holds true, yet I have found a way to take it further.  Finding myself in a situation where I am out of a job that occupied a large part of my life (over 10 years) and returning to school Full-time (14 credits) and deciding that I could still work while doing the school work required... Well, I thought that two separate part time jobs was not enough. Three, yes, three part-time jobs, that'll do.  [apparently I have to remember that I am in a long term relationship with another, and they deserve my time too.]

To take the candles that I was formerly only burning at both ends, then breaking them in two, and after digging out the wicks in each piece, deciding to light each one. . . That is what I was doing up until last week.
What was I thinking, I am not the man I used to be. [Then I think, and I remember] As a student, years ago, I thought I could try to do it all. Work, Student, girlfriend, Leader, etc.  I thought that there would be a sign, telling me when I was doing enough, and until then it would be easy until it wasn't.  What did it take for me to find the strength, or was it naivete/stupidity, to try to do it all and not worry about failing at some, if not all those things. . . must have been my youth.  How many did I disappoint, unknowingly, and where did I fail?  I don't remember.  It was as if failure was not an option, No; Failure was just not in my thinking at that point. If I could think it, I would try to do it.

Bringing myself back to last week... and even to today.  I have the perspective to see now that I can really suck at this. Doing too much; There is a very rapidly discovered limit, a speed limit of sorts.  My processor, the old brain, is either way out of practice, or just not up to the task. I ask myself," Would it take some practice, some exercise, to train perhaps, build up stamina/endurance again?"  I see failure come toward me so rapidly, at such speed that a collision is surely imminent. I can dodge or swerve around a few obstacles, take a few curves, but then I can see how quickly I will or likely I will loose control at this speed. I am an older and distracted motorist with too much on my Proverbial plate.  Foot off the accelerator, Brakes must be applied, and distractions must be reduced, until I can get this all back under control. Someone could have gotten seriously injured here.

Whew! No crash yet. Adrenaline may take some time to subside...

I can at times see the same happening with others, in their lives, and usually long before I see it in myself.  I have to step back, get perspective, as I am alone in most of this, or so I think, and or want to go it alone, without any help.

I don't know these roads, yet.  Do I ask for a little help? Why not? One side of me says,"Don't want to be a bother, or to inconvenience someone." as it would only add to their burden.
It would not be fair to take their time, advice, guidance, opinion, perspective, friendship, hand and love.  That would be what I would want to give of myself, and perhaps, at this time, I couldn't. It does not seem fair.  To take and not be able to give back now, immediately, in return.  Reciprocity.

As I step back a little further, I think that we know there will never be an ultimate perfect balance to any relationship. The giving on one side will always be outweighed by the need or the taking of the other. Some have so much to give and expect something in return as others expect nothing, or are used to nothing... so they might expect that is their lot in life, their happiness is set aside or perhaps just derived elsewhere.

I am getting wax on my computer with all of these candle pieces burning, so I must stop for now.  Will this be a DRAFT?  I'll just post it and look at it later to see if there is more to add...

Time Off

Taking the time to (re)-find one's purpose is at times time consuming. It is also a time to be mindful of other...

I suppose that I mean to say that I have to consider the composition of me, what makes me up.  I can physically describe me and my capabilities (also knowing that I have on many occasions surpassed what I previously thought were my limitations) and yet there is much more to consider... Those that I love, like and have yet to meet.  What can I be for them as well as for myself.

Yes this is all very abstract, Abstract is where I am at, At the moment.

More to come.