How do I do it?

How can I remain composed, day after day, questions come, answers do not.  At least answers are not obviously being answered to my satisfaction.  I think that it is a matter of just finding the right (magical) question to ask. Right?

A time machine or way of peering into the future, or into a 'possible' future might set my mind at ease.  Not gonna happen.  Perhaps to look to others that have done 'exactly' what I have done and survived... Nope, not an easy find.  I try to interpolate answers gleaned from examples of, "There was this guy... he did such and such..." and the example I hold up to my present experiences and situation and ...

It is like comparing fingerprints. Sure there are loops and whorls and vague similarity, but being different, as I look closely are very un-alike. 

I do not loose my temper, and perhaps I should (a little), but it does not seem to me that it would help with anything.  Anger is a frustrating distraction that I really don't need, and is rooted in shame.  A feeling that I have done something wrong.  I start to think, "How can I make up for it?", "How can I fix it" and then I think perhaps I AM more resilient than I thought (think of myself). Wherever I may fall, and I expect to, considering the complexity of my future endeavors (plans) where a lot of stuff has to fit for it 'all' to work, I ask, "How do I do it?"  "How do I keep it together if the plan fails, if part of the elaborate plan fails?"  Having been through so much and surviving many many Many other failures (whether I succeed later or not) I know that if I survived all that, there is a pretty good likelihood I'll survive this.

Stiff, sore and tired, I typed the above, and postponed sleep, yet I am resigned that I am . . . no.  I am resolute that I am worthy of good that comes my way, and I'll be sure to take the credit if I succeed.

Perhaps this will be a testament to the crazy amount of will it will require to get through all that is before me.

M.O.

Murphy, we meet again. . .

Murphy's Law

Finding that all the trouble that you have gone through has been for nothing, or at least very very little benefit.

My new college classes: Dis-enrolled before the second meeting because of a computer glitch.  My Fault? I have no idea, as I went through this once before in Texas, and thought that I had learned from that experience to ask all the right questions... Well, apparently not.

Why is it that there is so much to be learned through mistakes, errors and F#*k ups.  It wears on a person after awhile.  A more unstable and or depressed person would be affected by THIS MUCH aggravation, frustration and just plain stupidity.

I will say that I am still fighting, and with the 4th closing pretty much everything down, I wonder if I will get much of a chance to 'make things right' before next week.

Is karma telling me something? Am I going in the wrong direction with my plans.  Perhaps I am meant to do yet something else.  Good Humor salesman, Diesel Mechanic, Tug boat Captain, or perhaps just find a different job in the US Coast Guard.  There has got to be some place for Petty officer Odd or Lieutennant Odd for that matter...

Clinical Psychologist, bwah aah haha ah haa ha ha! Okay, how would I make that happen before I am 50?

Walmart Greeter is Out of the Question!

Good night.

- Mike