Burning the Candle...

The colloquial saying, "...Burning the Candle at both ends" holds true, yet I have found a way to take it further.  Finding myself in a situation where I am out of a job that occupied a large part of my life (over 10 years) and returning to school Full-time (14 credits) and deciding that I could still work while doing the school work required... Well, I thought that two separate part time jobs was not enough. Three, yes, three part-time jobs, that'll do.  [apparently I have to remember that I am in a long term relationship with another, and they deserve my time too.]

To take the candles that I was formerly only burning at both ends, then breaking them in two, and after digging out the wicks in each piece, deciding to light each one. . . That is what I was doing up until last week.
What was I thinking, I am not the man I used to be. [Then I think, and I remember] As a student, years ago, I thought I could try to do it all. Work, Student, girlfriend, Leader, etc.  I thought that there would be a sign, telling me when I was doing enough, and until then it would be easy until it wasn't.  What did it take for me to find the strength, or was it naivete/stupidity, to try to do it all and not worry about failing at some, if not all those things. . . must have been my youth.  How many did I disappoint, unknowingly, and where did I fail?  I don't remember.  It was as if failure was not an option, No; Failure was just not in my thinking at that point. If I could think it, I would try to do it.

Bringing myself back to last week... and even to today.  I have the perspective to see now that I can really suck at this. Doing too much; There is a very rapidly discovered limit, a speed limit of sorts.  My processor, the old brain, is either way out of practice, or just not up to the task. I ask myself," Would it take some practice, some exercise, to train perhaps, build up stamina/endurance again?"  I see failure come toward me so rapidly, at such speed that a collision is surely imminent. I can dodge or swerve around a few obstacles, take a few curves, but then I can see how quickly I will or likely I will loose control at this speed. I am an older and distracted motorist with too much on my Proverbial plate.  Foot off the accelerator, Brakes must be applied, and distractions must be reduced, until I can get this all back under control. Someone could have gotten seriously injured here.

Whew! No crash yet. Adrenaline may take some time to subside...

I can at times see the same happening with others, in their lives, and usually long before I see it in myself.  I have to step back, get perspective, as I am alone in most of this, or so I think, and or want to go it alone, without any help.

I don't know these roads, yet.  Do I ask for a little help? Why not? One side of me says,"Don't want to be a bother, or to inconvenience someone." as it would only add to their burden.
It would not be fair to take their time, advice, guidance, opinion, perspective, friendship, hand and love.  That would be what I would want to give of myself, and perhaps, at this time, I couldn't. It does not seem fair.  To take and not be able to give back now, immediately, in return.  Reciprocity.

As I step back a little further, I think that we know there will never be an ultimate perfect balance to any relationship. The giving on one side will always be outweighed by the need or the taking of the other. Some have so much to give and expect something in return as others expect nothing, or are used to nothing... so they might expect that is their lot in life, their happiness is set aside or perhaps just derived elsewhere.

I am getting wax on my computer with all of these candle pieces burning, so I must stop for now.  Will this be a DRAFT?  I'll just post it and look at it later to see if there is more to add...

Time Off

Taking the time to (re)-find one's purpose is at times time consuming. It is also a time to be mindful of other...

I suppose that I mean to say that I have to consider the composition of me, what makes me up.  I can physically describe me and my capabilities (also knowing that I have on many occasions surpassed what I previously thought were my limitations) and yet there is much more to consider... Those that I love, like and have yet to meet.  What can I be for them as well as for myself.

Yes this is all very abstract, Abstract is where I am at, At the moment.

More to come.

The path uniquely travelled...

I know the feeling everyday that what I "want" to do will take time, yet I cannot see over or around the mountain. It is a mountain of time and effort I see before me. The uncertainty alone, if I think to hard about it, makes me shudder.  I am determined, or perhaps just stubborn, to keep moving forward.  A path ahead to the possible future(s) that I may never see, but feel are a possibility. The chance that I will navigate through the terrain in the fog to find what is possible, some day. 

I ask myself, "Is it a destination, or just a sense of self and peace that I hope to find?" 
Perhaps it is not a bad idea to make time to have a little fun along the way. I know that the intersections I have with friends, family, strangers will certainly add to the fabric of me.  I wonder if they know what they weave out into the world. [The threads, connections, love, friendship, experiences, between every person we interact with that we each weave into a unique fabric of experience, of self.]

This'll be brief...

I was reminded (and now realize that I am at an age that there is very little time that I am not reminded of something or someone) of a thought I once had, for the first time many years ago.  The thought has, I have found out, been staged in various ways in different movies, cartoons and TV.  What is it?

Well, I suppose it is simply the idea of a funeral held for a person that was not actually dead.  (okay, now you can search your own memory for ... what movie?)  This time it would be a funeral for you.  Would you be prepared? Do you know if you have left a burden, emotional or financial for those that are left behind?

Do you have contact information readily available and a plan to find all of the people that you'd want to come and commiserate/grieve/rejoice at your death/funeral? 

It would really suck if the final party you ever plan, you just forgot to invite the people in your life that mean the most to you.  Remember that it is not just for you, it is for the people that do not even know each other.  For them to be able to see that, in the world, we (they) are in some way connected to so many (through you).  And strangely enough, I believe that, "That is how we live on . . . in others." Nobody knows no one.

. . . I'm just sayin'


P.S. Don't you go trying it, unless it is known to be tongue-in-cheek, as you really may not want to see, hear or find out what happens.

{NOTE to SELF: Halloween Party some time in the future that has as a premise an invitation to your  funeral/memorial service.}

Pre-Obituary (Newspapers do it all the time) DRAFT(1)

Mr Michael Odd, 43 years of age, leaves his family; a wife of 14 years and their two cats (as of 8/2012), a younger sister, and their adoptive mother and father.  Born and raised in the Baltimore-Washington Metropolitan Area for most of his life, M.O. loved also to travel as is evident in the wide variety of work that he had chosen throughout his life.  Beyond the many Part-time jobs to get by in high school, he found a purpose at the University of Maryland Baltimore County (UMBC) graduating in 1992, and leaving behind a legacy of increased environmental awareness and responsibility in both the administration and student population. With the initial formation of the Students for Environmental Awareness (SEA) and two terms as its president, recycling of solid and chemical waste on campus began in ernest. The SEA coordinated environmental promotion and citizen lobbying efforts which began with other Student Government Association members and later joined other colleges in the region on efforts in Annapolis and Washington D.C. [...] Support came from the miryad of jobs, including Blueprint Operator, Sub Shop/Pizza delivery, school and charter bus driver. [...] Volunteering four years at the UMBC campus radio station WUMD, he also worked at the school Shuttle Bus [...]
 Following graduation from UMBC he entered the workforce [...] Night manager at Kinko's, a Cook and sailor aboard the S.V. Lady Maryland, working for the Living Classrooms Foundation [...] from a water adventure on to land, he chose to work for various specialized art handling companies, traveling to 48 of the 50 United States (and parts of Canada) and as a freelance individual with the Maryland Historical Society and the Walters Art Gallery. He spent over seven years handling art and antiques. He even volunteered for Art Scape in Baltimore [...] With changes in budgets, he left the art handler world and worked gallery security, and eventually found an associate position with a local Private Investigator.[...] A stint working in parts supply, packing and shipping with a manufacturer of Unmanned Air Vehicles (UAVs) for government contracts. [...] a transition lead to baking at Whole Foods Market, in the interim before joining the United States Army [...]
 He entered th military late at the non-traditional age of 32, and trained as a Topographic Analyst (now Geospatial Engineer) until after his first deployment to Iraq and return to Germany [...] spent three years working US Army CID as a special agent before deciding to return to Geospatial Engineering. [...] Taking classes to be able to return to school, he aspired to become an Occupational Therapist following his time in the Army, with the dream of returnng as an officer, to be able to support and help Soldiers again.  To see that his dreams to have a positive impact on others and their lives may not have been realized professionally as an OT, but it must be said that he left a long and lasting impression upon others, and hopefully for the better. 

To close for comfort, or an OH Fu[dge] moment

Driving is never a good time to fall unconscious, even for a millisecond.  I know this, have known this, and would profess the terrible ensuing disaster till the end of my days.

I am glad that yesterday was not that day...

The fact that I might not have lived to make it to a Sleep Study I am scheduled for on Friday is not ironic, as the fact that I may well have died on the Washington D.C. beltway and no one would have figured out why. 

Did he lose control, drive to fast, or recklessly?  Was it some other driver's fault?  It is not often that a person is determined to have a proverbial "death wish" and crashes their car intentionally, as a suicide attempt/completion [depending on the outcome].

What I have to contribute to the fact that I am still alive today?  There is a lot of stuff, but I am thinking of this instance... I nodded off, and I am not sure for how long, and woke in enough time and distance to swerve into a clear lane (versus slow down) and around the car I went.  Whew! and then "Oh My God!" "Shi#!"  and there I was letting my intellectual/thoughts part of my brain catch up to the reflex/ sensory/survival part of my brain.

Then...

How did I do that?

Don't EVER do that Again!

Gd Damn it! I really need to get this sleep thing sorted, and I will not be falling asleep mid day.  Even now I am experiencing the occasional Hypnogogic Jerk. 

I should go.  Again it is late and I have wasted/procrastinated on a pile of things that I thought to do and reasoned that they could be postponed, pushed back [which most can] but the pressure to produce good work is ... fighting self sabotage.

 My heart beats as I take a breath
it is not my first, nor will it be my last.
To sigh, and be resigned to lose ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
(above evidence of nodding off at the keyboard.)
Good night.

Momentary Pity Party - Let's all join in!

Friend: (in response to "Why so shy?"): A lot of times, my shyness about speaking is tied to perceived receptivity, but I also don't love difficult topics. Communication is so variable, isn't it?

Me: (In response) I think that many people are very receptive to you, above and beyond their own self interest. I can say that Folks care about you, keep in contact with you of their own free will. 
. . .

[Pardon the momentary pity party]

This is not the case with me; whereas, folks (friends and all others) generally will not go out of their way to engage me in conversation (electronic or otherwise) or ask me along too, 'if I wanna go out and play' (and yes there are the rare exceptions).   I have tried to justify this (read: make excuses) for them, mostly to save imagining the worst. I have learned to believe (in my heart and brain) that "they" assume I am busy, working, school, or at home with family, etc., and that they themselves are very busy, with their lives, children, and work as well. This then leaves very little time for social intersections without considerable planning.

[Party pause]

Me: (continuing) [Since you are engaged by friends and others] Perhaps you can try wading into a difficult topic on occasion. The proverbial sticking your toe in the pool to gauge the temperature of the water. It will be cold(ish) anyway until you get in there and start swimming around. While on the subject... What do you think about going for a metaphorical [or perhaps literal] swim or even strap on some blades and skate out on that ice?

[Party resumes]

Me: Communication is so limited these days. I many times wish to be able to see people and interact with them in person. People (including me) are at times starved for a little company and conversation (who cares about the coffee?)

Lines of text on a screen are such a muted reality...

[Party ends]

I have made a concerted (read: half a$$ed) effort to be social or at least sociable... The days I get to play a salesman (volunteering at wine festivals and other events) I love the sometimes awkward communication with strangers. I have learned to listen and smile and connect with some (read: a few) in less than a minute. I guess it helps to be able to have something free to offer, and a professional distance (usually) across a table. But to have a conversation that is more than just hawking a product adds to the fun.

This is what I have.

I will also make attempts to take time for the people around me, both at home, work, and school . . .away from the occasional e-mail or phone call.