Does my feeling that I have a very difficult time making new friends recently, fall into the category of me not emanating the right "friend" vibe? Is it a matter of the incredible amount of time that I am either working or nowhere to be found. [I really do not advertise where I am going, pretty rarely in fact, though there are always exceptions.] Perhaps there are people that might make friends, if I did something extra curricular-ly that others might have an interest in... Movie/Film anyone. Dinner out at some exotic (yes, I am a vegetarian) restaurant or maybe just pancakes and coffee?
Ugh. I do not want to get into some pity party. THAT would be really attractive. Perhaps as the weather gets better, and I start to ride my bike, swim (if I can find a free/cheap pool), run (again as I am still hobbling after a fractured ankle) or ???? I am not trying to find a date. Just people that might hang out together now and then.
I'll be quiet. Speak only when spoken to. Behave in public. Listen intently. Laugh at all [well most] of the jokes. Promise not to be a poor sport. To pay my share. To be encouraging. Smile. Remain receptive to ideas and happily jump into the deep end if the situation warrants. Act the fool or the adult or the designated driver. Act younger, older or somewhat like my own age, whatever that means... I'll even travel a reasonable distance, but won't get carried away, over excited or emotional (unless the situation warrants, without a doubt).
Where does this get me?
No, Idea.
Next thought...
I have never been in an office and seen so many folks taking leave or vacations (staycations, or whatever) as it makes me wonder where I would go and when. Why go anywhere? Especially when you are not thinking of some place that you really want to go or be.
Some of this I suspect is the fact that I have no one inviting me anywhere. (See the full loop there!) Perhaps it is due to the fact that I have no children, that I would feel the need to show new things and explore and see the world.
Have I become weary of the world? Travel? I have been many places, many as a necessity or part of my work, and had a bit of fun along the way. [This is now pretty rare] Am I uninspired? Do I feel anchored to a house, home, chores, the day to day... Is it a symptom of my workaholism (a mask to my depressive episodes in the past) or perhaps a need to feel productive...
I don't know.
The thought of taking a class excites me, if I can work it out... I am in the process... and Yes, it will be another form of work, sure, but it will be a change, a thought of a new path, career, direction... In or out of the military...
Have I ever mentioned that I am in the military? Hmm. Perhaps this is the first, but don't hold it against me. People comment and are at times amazed by the thought of it.
That for another time.
Pondering: Is it just me?
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Words escape me. . . and this is where they landed.
What keeps me from...
- Writing more, as it is not quite unlike opening a vein (or artery for that matter) where the words flow and I fear that I'll grow weaker. Perhaps there is a want, a hesitation, to put down what seems three or four dimensional in my head into a two dimensional and very linear sentence...
- Telling her what I really think/feel. Where the sea is rocking the proverbial boat already. The thought of adding to the stress, the 'shit' of daily life and what we must deal with outside of ourselves. I suddenly realize that there are a lot of people (outside of 'she'), other she's if you will, that I will allow/divulge only as much as I (subjectively I might add) feel that they can handle. Why inflict 'myself' on anyone? [How selfish am I?]
- Moving forward with plans? I reason that they might be disapproved of. Do I want to argue my position, debate over the pros and cons that may result in some possible outcome... I was asked recently, who's life do you want to live? I hesitated, yet knew the answer (that's what happens when a question is obviously rhetorical.) This then returns to paragraph 1 above.
- Taking a leap of nearly any sort. I have sat and spent time logging in accomplishments from childhood through fairly recently. It was a strange exercise that showed me as one that loves experiences, and has tried so many different things as jobs, hobbies and vocations, only to have stalled recently, doubting myself. To relinquish a great portion of my decision making to others, I realize that I do not have the confidence I one had. What caused that change? I have failed plenty before and came out okay...
Perhaps being on my own, un-married I had less responsibility to another, just myself, and I could risk that. I did not have to think of that other someone close that might be affected by some wrong decision... ugh.
- How does a man get his guts back, feel (to borrow a phrase) empowered again. I struggle with feeling impotent, unsatisfied and relegated to shrug and accept the status quo within my life. The need is so great that I begin to live vicariously through others, encouraging them to strive and move forward, (and leave me behind). What kick in the pants do I need right now? It is so very difficult to inspire myself into action, and can understand the hesitation of others all the more. How do we change when we KNOW for certain that it would do us so much good? If not good, at least different . . .
Oddly, there are those that seem to martyr themselves to the shy and introverted, anxious and depressed by taking in or listening to our hurt, our 'crap' and empathize/sympathize with us (me). [aside: So, what is the real difference between emp and symp, when it comes to 'athizing'?]
I hear them say, "You can share/speak/talk with me." A basic form of, "I don't mind." will usually follow. It is not that easy, even with permission...
I have, and I try not to sound to prideful in saying, shared a lot more recently than in much of my life combined. There is much more, yet I will relate that I do not want to taint the image of what I would like.
- Writing more, as it is not quite unlike opening a vein (or artery for that matter) where the words flow and I fear that I'll grow weaker. Perhaps there is a want, a hesitation, to put down what seems three or four dimensional in my head into a two dimensional and very linear sentence...
- Telling her what I really think/feel. Where the sea is rocking the proverbial boat already. The thought of adding to the stress, the 'shit' of daily life and what we must deal with outside of ourselves. I suddenly realize that there are a lot of people (outside of 'she'), other she's if you will, that I will allow/divulge only as much as I (subjectively I might add) feel that they can handle. Why inflict 'myself' on anyone? [How selfish am I?]
- Moving forward with plans? I reason that they might be disapproved of. Do I want to argue my position, debate over the pros and cons that may result in some possible outcome... I was asked recently, who's life do you want to live? I hesitated, yet knew the answer (that's what happens when a question is obviously rhetorical.) This then returns to paragraph 1 above.
- Taking a leap of nearly any sort. I have sat and spent time logging in accomplishments from childhood through fairly recently. It was a strange exercise that showed me as one that loves experiences, and has tried so many different things as jobs, hobbies and vocations, only to have stalled recently, doubting myself. To relinquish a great portion of my decision making to others, I realize that I do not have the confidence I one had. What caused that change? I have failed plenty before and came out okay...
Perhaps being on my own, un-married I had less responsibility to another, just myself, and I could risk that. I did not have to think of that other someone close that might be affected by some wrong decision... ugh.
- How does a man get his guts back, feel (to borrow a phrase) empowered again. I struggle with feeling impotent, unsatisfied and relegated to shrug and accept the status quo within my life. The need is so great that I begin to live vicariously through others, encouraging them to strive and move forward, (and leave me behind). What kick in the pants do I need right now? It is so very difficult to inspire myself into action, and can understand the hesitation of others all the more. How do we change when we KNOW for certain that it would do us so much good? If not good, at least different . . .
Oddly, there are those that seem to martyr themselves to the shy and introverted, anxious and depressed by taking in or listening to our hurt, our 'crap' and empathize/sympathize with us (me). [aside: So, what is the real difference between emp and symp, when it comes to 'athizing'?]
I hear them say, "You can share/speak/talk with me." A basic form of, "I don't mind." will usually follow. It is not that easy, even with permission...
I have, and I try not to sound to prideful in saying, shared a lot more recently than in much of my life combined. There is much more, yet I will relate that I do not want to taint the image of what I would like.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)