Friend: (in response to "Why so shy?"): A lot of times, my shyness about speaking is tied to perceived receptivity, but I also don't love difficult topics. Communication is so variable, isn't it?
Me: (In response) I think that many people are very receptive to you, above and beyond their own self interest. I can say that Folks care about you, keep in contact with you of their own free will.
. . .
[Pardon the momentary pity party]
This is not the case with me; whereas, folks (friends and all others) generally will not go out of their way to engage me in conversation (electronic or otherwise) or ask me along too, 'if I wanna go out and play' (and yes there are the rare exceptions). I have tried to justify this (read: make excuses) for them, mostly to save imagining the worst. I have learned to believe (in my heart and brain) that "they" assume I am busy, working, school, or at home with family, etc., and that they themselves are very busy, with their lives, children, and work as well. This then leaves very little time for social intersections without considerable planning.
[Party pause]
Me: (continuing) [Since you are engaged by friends and others] Perhaps you can try wading into a difficult topic on occasion. The proverbial sticking your toe in the pool to gauge the temperature of the water. It will be cold(ish) anyway until you get in there and start swimming around. While on the subject... What do you think about going for a metaphorical [or perhaps literal] swim or even strap on some blades and skate out on that ice?
[Party resumes]
Me: Communication is so limited these days. I many times wish to be able to see people and interact with them in person. People (including me) are at times starved for a little company and conversation (who cares about the coffee?)
Lines of text on a screen are such a muted reality...
[Party ends]
I have made a concerted (read: half a$$ed) effort to be social or at least sociable... The days I get to play a salesman (volunteering at wine festivals and other events) I love the sometimes awkward communication with strangers. I have learned to listen and smile and connect with some (read: a few) in less than a minute. I guess it helps to be able to have something free to offer, and a professional distance (usually) across a table. But to have a conversation that is more than just hawking a product adds to the fun.
This is what I have.
I will also make attempts to take time for the people around me, both at home, work, and school . . .away from the occasional e-mail or phone call.
Awww, so, I have met you and I think you are great at conversation. Also I remember at your birthday party, so many people showed up and although I have a lot of people I interact with online, I'm insecure about how many would show up in person just for me. I have this incredibly painful and embarrassing memory of wanting to put together a thing at work to share something special with coworkers and almost no one came at first. The whole thing felt like an exercise of social rejection and I cried about it afterwards, it was horrible.
ReplyDeleteSheesh, I should probably put this in an email because it's so personal but if anyone else comes across your blog feeling lonely, I want them to know everyone has a nugget of vulnerability. We all want to be loved and accepted.
At my wedding, I didn't have many friends or family, it was mostly my partner's side. At the time, it felt like no one thought I alone was important enough.
I didn't start to grow the friend group I have now until relatively recently. And even then it took a long time of awkwardly reaching out (although you may not believe this, I too feel painfully shy at times).
I tried to adhere to a new rule then: if anyone invited me anywhere, I would go. I did it because I thought it would be good for me, not because it was easy. I thought well, people make friends because they spend time with people; this is how comfort levels grow.
I hear you indicate that you want closer connections with people -- from my experience, some things that help foster friendships are (and this first one has been both a hard lesson for me and the most helpful): 1. match the other person in level of giving in the relationship; this ensures there won't be an imbalance and resulting discomfort around perceived expectations. 2. keep reaching out as you are, gently and perceptively to the other person's comfort level. 3. give what you want to receive (this can be hard, especially when it stings but I've been telling myself not to let other experiences harden me to new people while dating). 4. make use of meetup.com to meet new people (can search by zip code to find interesting things). 5. continue to nourish hobbies and interests that are fulfilling -- they are good ways to connect with people and also ways to get that feeling of contentment independent of social connection. 6. Don't despair. You're a wonderful person and have much to offer the world. :)