To forsee ones own death at the hands of some random (terrible) driver, three times over, while traveling my weekly miles from home to my little rented hovel, my base camp to get to work during the week, made me very sad. It was a feeling that washed over me similar to resignation in the face of death. It was then that I heard my internal dialogue say, "Well, what can I do. How will I survive, where can I anticipate and attempt to avoid the seemingly inevitable." And then I lived. The terrible driver moved on, or stopped being terrible for an instant, long enough to prevent my demise.
To look at the failure of a relationship, if there was ever sincere effort put in, has no one reason. Too many of us are so rigid and habituated to the status quo, that change, which may be, no, IS inevitable comes as a surprise or an irritant or just that thing that we don't want to deal with, "Because it's to hard..." I recognize this in myself, and wonder if I could fight for a relationship that may not have failed, but reverted to something completely different. (Fw/oB)
This is my thought, my dilema, to be brutally honest; I really do not know whether I am strong enough to stand up and ask, make, or force some change. To be married to one's best friend is a great thing, to spend more than a 1/3 of a marriage geographically apart from one another kinda prevents the intimate part of a marriage to remain. We live as "geographic bachelors" the both of us.
In an aside: There are so many military members that return from deployment and 10 months to a year later a child is born. The return, the happy reunion, the readjustment of roles in the household is a constant issue. Put on top of that any other stressors, moving, job stressors, PTSD/TBI, a child or children, finances, and so many other things... and it is a wonder that the military divorce rate is not higher.
To live as a father, loving, with warmth, encouragement, enthusiasm and kindness toward his children has been a desire, a dream of mine since, high school, and I wonder to this day whether I will ever have that chance. It hurts my heart right now to think of it. What is to become of me. Am I to old, damaged goods, incapable, a dreamer that missed his chance? ... I suppose I could arrive at that pretty easily. But I do not want to. Right now I just want to better myself academically, and find work helping others, perhaps as an Occupational Therapist or something... similar.
The other element to this dream is my spouse, my wife, my friend, my partner, my better half. Does she want the same anymore. We had dreams together of becoming parents, and we are quietly reminded of our failure. (In so many ways, on a daily basis) We could not make a child, it matters not why, but we couldn't. There has been a lot of time to think about this. I have had some hard times and have shed many tears at the missed chances. I could reel off reasons, we didn't do IT enough, I was not home enough to even try. My depression got in the way, there was infertility and medical intervention did not work. We married to late, maybe the surgery from years ago affected something... There was not enough time that I felt 'manly', in charge, powerful, intelligent, happy, sexy, loveable, desirable, etc. Monkey wrench of monkey wrenches, I join the Military, and end up away for years at a time. "We'll make the best of it," we say, "We aren't ready yet, you have to finish school and get established, you have this next deployment, we cant sell this house and move together, as that would again take you away from a stable well paying career job. We can live apart. It'll be okay...
Perhaps I am afraid to ask her anymore. I do not want to play a blame game; make anyone angry.
"Adoption is still out?" I want to ask. Yet, I already know the answer, I could literally finish her sentences by now. So, what changes? Do I resign myself to what is? What do I stand up for, as there is no guarantee that I will not produce a rift, animosity, and stir up old feelings. [End a marriage]
Politicians are great at giving safe, intelligent non-answers; How will the silence ever answer the unasked questions.
o Since we still love each other, yet may not be "In love" with one another, what do we do about it?
o Sex three times a year, or less, is that not unusual for a married couple?
o Why don't you ask me... tell me... show me that you want more, or something different? (You shoud know by now that I suck at reading minds.)
o Why do I keep making mistakes that make you angry?
o Why do you make me feel very small, emasculated, at times when I fail your expectations? and then receive an apology... as the damage is already done.
o How can we love and be so far apart, geographically, physically, at times in the same room, on the same sofa?
o Why do you not want to be near me, hold me, cuddle and just be in close contact? I miss that, a lot.
o Why do I live in fear of what you might think of. . . sometimes, I really do not know what... I am just fearful (anxious) of something I have done, or will do. (A cabinet door open, a car alarm not set, something left home that I meant to bring... I pick up, re arrange or move something that when discovered to be missing was the wrong thing to do)
o Can't we find time to do more together? (I tried a "Date Night" and that fell apart.)
o With my self esteem down the crapper at times, I know that I do not appear to be an appealing choice in a mate. Do you see it as rarely "for better and more often "for worse?"
o What do you need me for? What good am I to your life? I have to ask the same of myself.
o Is there any potential you see on some horizon, some wish that you hope comes true? For us? For you?
o Why do you ask my opinion and get upset when I do not answer as you thought I should? There are many times that I do not know an answer, or have no opinion on the subject...
o Can you ask questions, more simply, directly, without passive aggressive manipulation? (When you are miffed with me.)
We sure have a lot of stuff, junk, and 'shit' that I am a bit overwhelmed about what to do with. You have a very hard time letting things go and defer to me. I have so little time to set aside to give to the overwhelming number of small household projects, requiring tools, materials and planning.
I wish I was brave enough to have you read this... and hope that you might understand and answer me honestly. Ask, if you do not understand a question, or require clarification...
- M.O.
I have so many thoughts reading this.
ReplyDeleteFirst I want to applaud you for the courage to express how you're feeling. This is not an easy subject.
One thought takes me back to my own marriage, when my partner would ask me something and then become angry or disappointed in my answer. I lamented about this to a girlfriend who introduced me to a concept of better communication (unfortunately too late in my case but might still be helpful to you) called "NonViolent Communication" -- I actually dislike the name because it sounds like nonviolent communication is anything that is not screamed in rage, but in actuality it is anything which makes the other party shut down or feel ashamed for feeling the way they do.
"NVC aims to find a way for all present to get what really matters to them without the use of guilt, humiliation, shame, blame, coercion, or threats."
The basic premise is, you feel what you feel and it is not wrong. The other person may not like it but that is separate from being heard. The ultimate goal is understanding, not manipulation or coercion. You can change actions but that should be voluntary and after an exchange in which you feel heard.
Here is some background info on NVC:
http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication
Another helpful resource is the book "The Five Love Languages." Its premise is that different people have different things that make them feel loved: 1. material gifts; 2. physical affection; 3. quality time; 4. acts of service (where you do something nice for someone else like wash dishes, clean their car, etc.); 5. words of affirmation (like telling someone they look nice, the dinner they cooked was great, etc.)
The first step is knowing what, in order, are the top languages for both you and your partner so it's a nice exercise to do together. I have this book, you are welcome to borrow it.
If your top two "languages" are different than your partner's, you are now armed with wonderful knowledge. You understand now that they need different things than you thought to make them feel loved.
I believe distance in a relationship is created when people feel less cared for -- even if they know love is there, not practicing it astutely can make you feel less important.
You may have to have a difficult conversation in order to start the journey to better closeness. Sometimes this is where counseling comes in because a mediator can help advocate for you both and point out if one of you is not allowing the other to be heard.
If that isn't an option, perhaps a letter. "My love, I don't know how to broach this subject so am doing so tentatively, in a letter. I miss you. I want to regain some of our closeness and be there for you. Are you happy, sweetie? Do you ever think about changing what we have now to something we once dreamed of, like looking into adoption to grow our family? If you could change something about us so it feels better for you, what would you want? I love you and want to change the status quo to something that is more nurturing. I hope this is the start of a conversation towards a better journey together."
I dunno. She may be irritable because there is distance; I remember I would mostly get annoyed at messes my partner made mainly when we were not close. When the partnership felt more solid, I could tolerate things more because we felt like more of a team.
The first step to bridging irritability is with kindness and love. Offer it to her unconditionally and do not despair at her reply, pretend you are an outsider and really listen. She will feel it if you are listening. Most people do not want an "out" before they want a "better" so don't fear starting the conversation.
If you do decide to approach this, wishing you best of luck.
I will say that my wife and I rarely raise our voices, or even argue. I will explain my frustration, in the most tactful of terms. The silence that often follows, when I ask a question, that might require a 'hard' answer is frustrating.
DeleteThe conversations that we have over the phone are longer, much much longer than any conversation we have had in person. I have not figured out why. (yet).
I have heard of NVC and I am a proponent, and will attempt to explain that what is said might be considered hurtful. She is not often irritable, just very emotionally 'neutral'. Anger is rare and cutting (passive aggressive) questions are the most violent words will get. There are times, more recently, that I will find myself laughing at a question, phrased to be a barb toward me. To have all my missteps of the past brought up with amazing speed of recall. Actually, I will do most anything to avoid conflict.
THe Five Love Languages is a book that I own and have tried to make use of... I am not sure that I have put enough effort into it. I'll work on that... it is kinda funny to do all five for her and not see any visible change. What I do, buy, say, or show, are met with civility. TIme spent in the same place together, seems like it should be what is liked most, but all is met with neutral affect. I suppose the conversation is mainly just listening, on the phone, from the amount of time spent, she seems to enjoy the most. [Funny to imagine being in the same room or bed and interacting on the phone. [We don't text, we can't, the feature is shut off]
I am not sure how one "falls back in love", I do love her, and she says she loves me. We have many, but now, fewer things in common than when we met, and as I have mentioned, sex is not a common subject between us. I could write an entire blog entry on that alone...
- M.O.
Wandered over from Asplenia's blog.
ReplyDeleteFrom what you've written, it sounds like you have many of the questions you need to have answered, regardless of what it may lead to.
I agree with Asplenia - start the conversation gently, and try to avoid letting it become an argument. It sounds like there was (and still is) strong affection between the two of you. And once the conversation starts, the two of you may be able to find common ground, or surprise each other with where the conversation goes.
Either way, I wish you well, and hope that whatever the outcome, it brings both of you peace...
Thank you, El'G',
DeleteI appreciate the words. You seem a good hearted person when responding to Asplenia's blog too.
- M.O.
I'm blunt, so take this anyway you'd like.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, you are not alone. The situations may not be exactly the same, but the impacts on many relationships are eerily similar.
Second, you were brave enough to expose yourself to the world(in this post), it should not be a problem talking to the woman you love.
Life is full of tradeoffs, some choices, some beyond our control. Sometimes you have to give up time together, for money; dreams for reality; having children for saving your relationship. A lot of times communication becomes stale(especially with distance). If you don't know the answer to a question, it needs to be asked, if you are positive you know the answer to a question, it may mean that you have asked it too much.
In addition to asking her questions, maybe you need to ask yourself one.
Do you want to love this woman, or be in love with this woman?
This question will impact your choices going forward.
You can do nothing, continue your relationship the way it is and curse the driver for his moment of sanity.
If you are in love with her, or want to be, you can try and improve the situation through communication and respect. Sometimes your dreams need to take a back seat to your relationship(this needs to be done without spite). Share your true feelings for(and about)her, with her. If you honestly share your feelings for her, it may embarrass her, but it should not anger her. Due to day-to-day life, people spend too much time talking about what THEY want or how THEY feel about things and not how they feel about each other. You fell in love because of your feelings, not your situations or opinions.
If you love her and feel there will not be anything more, you can discuss it with her rationally(at least try) and discuss separating. Sometimes when you love someone, you need to let her and yourself be happier apart.
The choices above are extremely serious and only half yours. Your wife must meet you half way. Remember not to assume you know her feelings. Ask her about them.
Any course of action, I wish you and your wife the best. Life is too short for regrets.