Why is it that we can never quit. Can't we "...quit while we're ahead?" Perhaps quit when it is "miller time". No, is taken to literally, and we (those 'brainwashed' in my profession) are supposed to "never quit". But I have to argue with the underlying subtext that it is to "never quit" when one's life is on the line, in battle, to fight and survive for the sake of others and nobler causes...
There comes a time when one makes a well reasoned assessment of a situation and decides that in order to cut one's losses, prevent the waste of money and resources, and just move on to something else; Just to quit. The guilt trip that exists in one's own mind, that of failure or possible loss of face among one's peers is just as obvious to me as it is to those that remind me, "Hey, you are smart, you can do it." [Am I not smart enough to know my own limitations?]
What if I know that I am not suited to, or cut out for "it". I am old enough and know myself just well enough after all these years (of mistakes and changes in direction for [mostly] good reasons) that something is just not for me.
The funny thing is that this is actually the second time that I have realized this very same fact. In 2005 I decided to leave, the work that I have currently returned to, it was an attempt at a new direction. The change in direction did not work out, I literally burned out (imagine one candle with wicks at both ends, burned out) and was told, without consideration that I had already decided that I was not suited... to go back from whence I came. Did they, the deciders, know I left for a reason? [It wasn't just for fun.] Did I know whether I had any recourse? [How could I refuse?] I still don't know. I try to do what I am told, I am neither the sharpest in the shed nor the fastest on the track. I know my limitations, though I do not always abide by them.
I see, and yet do not know how to describe to others I work for, the anxiety I feel. [Apparently I have a great "poker face"] In reality, I feel as if I am treading water (where I am right now), and though I am a pretty good swimmer, I see no land in sight, and it is getting dark out. I have no idea whether I will live till morning as I feel I may succumb to fatigue. Sure, I will try not to quit, but there comes a point where one reaches the wall of physical limitations.
I would rather run a daily marathon (as it is only 26.2 miles) than continue with what I am doing (which I cannot measure or see the end of), but I cannot tell someone that, and have them think I am sane.
It is a fine line to tread, to ask for intelligent advice about moving on to something 'other' when to do so you have to be convincing that you are not suited/capable for something else. Hmm. It is the Catch-22 where you are damned if you do and you are damned if you do not. I can stay, suffer and possibly fail miserably eke by for the next two years, or I can take a chance, try to find something, some way that my heart and mind will feel good about.
None of this mentions my dysthymic depression, (persistant mild) with bouts of deeper depression. "You seem so happy..." and I think, "Oh,yeah. I really do have a good poker face." Perhaps it is only that I am numb. No drugs, rarely any alcohol, not that kind, but a bit shut down after years. I still cry, and love and still have the time to make myself laugh, but all knee deep, wading in sadness, melancholia. It is such a constant it is as if the Tare on my scale has been reset to include the extra weight.
Once again, I have found out my own thinking on a subject by writing it out. What to do about it, that is another story. Working on it...
- Mike Odd
It must sound like such a joy to be me! Wheee!. . .yah right.
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