Capacity for the unknown

To say that I have a [greater than average] capacity to be comfortable with the prospect of dealing with the unknown would be a gross mis-statement.  What I am getting at... hmm.  Well I suppose that as there are so many 'unknowns' [like a massive mathmatical equation with all greek symbols and hardly a number anywhere] that I have not a clue as to how to even begin to reason with possible impending reality. 

Simply put, I can even avoid/ procrastinate about what I might fear, or be unexpectedly blindsided by.  THis is a gross generalization, you must understand.  I like a little hyperbole to get started...  I can think like a chess master about some of the most complex "what if's" and yet in the next minute be happily unaware of emotional peril. (also hyperbole, for effect)   I get down on myself for not being: (here comes a list) - perfect enough at (Fill in the blank) - able to know with certainty what I was put on this earth to do (no pressure) - happy enough - (anything to do with the superficial, i.e. good looks, muscular, tan, etc. ) enough for whomsoever (sp?) would desire to be my friend, - (intelligent, artistic, kind, considerate, empathetic, etc.) enough to warrant the charity of kindness from others. -

And then I think; what a sad sack, fool.  I am what I am (ref. Popeye) and most of the time I don't even think of who that is exactly.  I have habits, I eat and sleep and go to work (which is a whole other can of worms) and I find time to read and listen to NPR on the radio, watch interesting movies (sorry, "films") and take decent care of my health.  I love art and music and conversations with friends and even the occasional acquaintance or stranger.  Homeless in El Paso that saw me ride my motorcycle past them on the way to work, would nod or say hello if there was enough time at the light.  I was the guy that would flip them a granola bar or bottle of water (not much of a prize, but in recognition of how long they would hang out in the sun asking for handouts) and never money as I had very little myself.

Where is this going?  Perhaps I just need to balance the me I see, and what I have done so far, with the idea, the prospect of what I am capable and likely to do in the future, if the universe allows it.   The only thing that I worry about is a conundrum, which probably comes from a little to much science fiction.  And that is, what path I take today will affect what I will eventually do down the road 'tomorrow'.  A domino effect that is the progress and path of my life.  Set 'em up and knock'em down.  One (I) wishes to seek knowledge and hope to have forethought as to where to set the dominos next. 

I am happy to report that there are many (at east a number) of people that I consider friends, though recently having little time to see them, are still very encouraging of me to follow my heart/mind and do great things.  Such responsibility.  I will try not to dissapoint them.  My place, my work and present class is/are limitations, have walls and rails and bumpers that keep me in play.  THinking like a pinball.  The flippers of destiny keep knocking me back into the playing field and I bounce frenetically, though still governed by laws of (physics) gravity and geometry.  I rack up more time and lights and noise around me must mean something, but does it count?  Is this where I want to be?  Points accumulate above, but should I care, and who benefits from all of this?  I feel a bit beat... tired.  Is this the game that I am supposed to be a part of?  Is there some better use for me? 

I'd like to be honest with those that see and know me now and say that I, many times during the day, ask the question, "What the hell am I doing here?"  That is usually followed with a certain amount of planning what I need to say to 'the right person' to get me outa here and on to something else.  Stopped in its tracks by the question... Do What?!    "What" is another story for another time.  A dream list, at least this year's list...

- Mike Odd