What keeps me from...
- Writing more, as it is not quite unlike opening a vein (or artery for that matter) where the words flow and I fear that I'll grow weaker. Perhaps there is a want, a hesitation, to put down what seems three or four dimensional in my head into a two dimensional and very linear sentence...
- Telling her what I really think/feel. Where the sea is rocking the proverbial boat already. The thought of adding to the stress, the 'shit' of daily life and what we must deal with outside of ourselves. I suddenly realize that there are a lot of people (outside of 'she'), other she's if you will, that I will allow/divulge only as much as I (subjectively I might add) feel that they can handle. Why inflict 'myself' on anyone? [How selfish am I?]
- Moving forward with plans? I reason that they might be disapproved of. Do I want to argue my position, debate over the pros and cons that may result in some possible outcome... I was asked recently, who's life do you want to live? I hesitated, yet knew the answer (that's what happens when a question is obviously rhetorical.) This then returns to paragraph 1 above.
- Taking a leap of nearly any sort. I have sat and spent time logging in accomplishments from childhood through fairly recently. It was a strange exercise that showed me as one that loves experiences, and has tried so many different things as jobs, hobbies and vocations, only to have stalled recently, doubting myself. To relinquish a great portion of my decision making to others, I realize that I do not have the confidence I one had. What caused that change? I have failed plenty before and came out okay...
Perhaps being on my own, un-married I had less responsibility to another, just myself, and I could risk that. I did not have to think of that other someone close that might be affected by some wrong decision... ugh.
- How does a man get his guts back, feel (to borrow a phrase) empowered again. I struggle with feeling impotent, unsatisfied and relegated to shrug and accept the status quo within my life. The need is so great that I begin to live vicariously through others, encouraging them to strive and move forward, (and leave me behind). What kick in the pants do I need right now? It is so very difficult to inspire myself into action, and can understand the hesitation of others all the more. How do we change when we KNOW for certain that it would do us so much good? If not good, at least different . . .
Oddly, there are those that seem to martyr themselves to the shy and introverted, anxious and depressed by taking in or listening to our hurt, our 'crap' and empathize/sympathize with us (me). [aside: So, what is the real difference between emp and symp, when it comes to 'athizing'?]
I hear them say, "You can share/speak/talk with me." A basic form of, "I don't mind." will usually follow. It is not that easy, even with permission...
I have, and I try not to sound to prideful in saying, shared a lot more recently than in much of my life combined. There is much more, yet I will relate that I do not want to taint the image of what I would like.
I can see you're struggling with a lot. When I'm in a similar boat like this, I try to split myself in two and one of me is the vulnerable me hating herself for her frailties and the other me is my best friend, or how nice I would be to someone else going through these things. Because I would be kind to someone else, to say "okay, you feel these things, the first thing to do is not beat yourself up over them." And the second is to say okay, this is the beginning of a spiritual kind of regrowth. When you start college, you get to meet with a guidance counselor who says "okay, you want to achieve this goal, well, it'll take you four years and you have to take many baby steps -- classes which successfully build on eachother -- and that is how to move forward. In the academia of our lives though, maybe a transformation takes 4 years or 2 years or 6 years, I dunno. But you're at the beginning of one, because you are recognizing a dissatisfaction of living with the status quo.
ReplyDeleteHow do you talk to her?
Is there any chance she too is feeling repressed? Could the opening of forbidden topics be ultimately something that frees her to express her own feelings? A lot of couples go to counseling to begin this kind of conversation. You could say "I miss you. I miss feeling connected" and start from there? (Ask about seeing a counselor together to help bridge the gaps that widened?) I dunno.
As far as the confidence, it reminded me of when I was in a relationship where slowly my confidence was dwindling. At first I didn't realize what was draining it but negativity and lack of support were the causes. Are you experiencing those things? Or maybe it's something to continue to explore. It makes the current a difficult place to be when struggling but there is beauty too in the things that force us to grow.
Sending much support. I'm glad you wrote.
You are not a punishment. You cannot be inflicted upon someone. You are a gift, you are shared (or not shared) at your discretion.
ReplyDeleteCat, you are right. (No buts)
DeleteI have been of the self opinion (at times) that my presence/existence action/inaction is a burden to those close to me. Perhaps seeing myself as a gift, a "stocking stuffer" per se (no idea of the multiple-entendres there are in that?) some days I'd be the lump of coal... [Imagine the artist getting a lump of coal and becoming excited to use it as a new drawing medium for those really darkly shaded gesture drawings...]
- B
I had this strange idea for a stocking stuffer, to be hung in stocking with care... A pre/partially melted set of crayons, an oily and colorful lump, still discernable as crayons, but melted together. As if the fire in the fireplace had been a little to toasty... (Pencils that are essentially graphite encased in charred wood (charcoal)... All for your budding artist with a sense of humor.
ReplyDelete