Jumping into the Deep End...

The metaphor of jumping into the Deep End of the pool, does not feel dangerous when you know how to swim.  I have spent sooo much time treading the proverbial water that I suppose I will get myself into trouble because of comfort and perhaps [over]confidence in my ability to handle the not so rough water in a controlled environment. 

Jumping off a ship at night, on the other hand, would be much more stupid and dangerous.  (No lifeguard, waves, water temperature, sharks, etc.)

So. What the hell am I talking about.... (yes, I can be intentionally vague)

Well...

I have signed up for two evening classes, that my workplace (and for those of you that know me you know who they are) will be picking up the tab (or the majority of the tab) as long as I get good grades/pass the classes.

It is actually me that wants to get good grades.  There is a little nervousness in the pit of my stomach, yes it is annoying (at the moment) as I have just registered and committed to buying the books for the two classes. (Just under $300) Yes, I did look for the better deals, but college books are a "racket" and everyone knows it...

That said, I am making a vague mental list of what is causing the stomach churning anxiety (fight or flight):

- The fact that I will get yelled at for my foolishness (by significant other); in her opinion (not necessarily mine) to decide to leap forward with two classes in my first Part-time semester back.

- The fact that I am gambling on my "smarts" in comparison to the task(s) at hand.  The program I really want to get into (a Graduate Occupational Therapy program) is quite competitive and I historically have not been the most stellar student.  My heart is in the right place, but my ability to juggle all of the responsibilities involved, get "good" grades and have a Full-time work schedule on top of all that... Whew, my stomach is twisting!  Let's hope that I can keep it together. [and do well.]

- I will need to make adjustments to work, eat, sleep and school patterns.  ([This creature of habit in yet more flux}>

- Oh, and yes, I had almost forgotten, I found a way to hate myself [to the point of near self destruction] earlier this year as I was stressing about a single, albeit graduate level class, in a subject that I had been away from for over five years.  I am still slowly recovering from that.

I do have hope, as I believe that these courses will be closer to my heart and I have a great want to learn, to move on, move forward again.  {Forward is a relative vector, as it may just be an alteration in my orbit.  I could write about the present holding pattern I am trying to escape [sometimes feels like the moon attempting to escape the gravity of the earth] and a whole chapter of an autobiography on what I have done and not done. Success, failure and attempts in between...}

Actually that would be a great title for my autobiography: "Success, Failure and the [many] Attempts in between. The life and times of Mike Odd."

Sleep, right now, is a good idea, as I have to wake early and (doing the best I can) continue at the aforementioned work, appointments, schedule time to verify the payment for the classes...

It is likely that once in the swing of 'things' that I will take even less time to vent blog-wise... and yet I can see it another way and I may be here more often.  (To keep my sanity)

- Mike